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May 27, 2012 / missjaniece

Mind Games

In my quest to become the best Janiece that I can possibly be, I’ve spent the past few months doing an honest assessment of myself, my choices, and my mental state to determine what has held me back in life, and what I need to do to get back on track to greatness.

The biggest issue holding me back is a severe lack of self-confidence and extremely low self-esteem. All my life I’ve wanted to become a doctor, but after I received my MPH I felt that maybe I am not good enough/smart enough to become an MD. So I’ve stopped trying and just reflected on “what could have been” while I wistfully look at all of my friends who have become MDs. Now that I am approaching 31, I’ve made peace with the possibility that that dream has vanished (I will touch more on this in a later blog).

It’s also played a major factor in my dating life (or lack thereof). You see, I’ve never been pretty. It was hard growing up surrounded by pretty girl after pretty girl in school, only to be the DUFF (designated ugly fat friend). This resulted in me not really caring about my appearance, because why focus on dressing well, wearing makeup, and keeping my hair done if my face is still not aesthetically pleasing? So I wore baggy clothes (sometimes faded; sometimes with holes; sometimes so baggy my panties would show), rarely got my hair done, and gained weight. A lot of weight. Nearly 50 pounds. What quality man do you know would want to date someone like that?!?! Truth is, I never felt worthy of the type of man that I desire (essentially an attractive male with personality characteristics similar to me).

Last year I got tired of being fat so I committed myself to making a change. I got serious about my workout routine and in addition to going to the gym, I joined a boot camp. I also made a conscience effort to improve my diet and started eating at home. Let’s rewind for a bit: When I moved to South Florida back in 2007, I was severely depressed. I had just wrapped up a fellowship at the CDC (which did not turn into a job for me, but for the other fellow), I was not in medical school, I was friendless (no family or friends down there), making only $42,000 annually, and FAT. Being too ashamed of myself to go to the beach or partake in the night scene, I stuck to a routine that consisted of work/fast food for lunch/work/fast food for dinner/watch television from 5:45 pm until I fell asleep. I am not exaggerating when I say this. On weekends I’d eat one meal and drink an entire pot of coffee. Looking back I probably should have jogged my fatass to the first shrink whose name I came across in the Yellow Pages. Needless to say, I was not practicing good public health, nor was I the model public health advocate. Fast forward to 2010, I started eating breakfast, working out consistently, and eating beautiful luscious salads at home. I was shedding the weight.

Last year I met a friend at the gym who has taught me some valuable lessons about self love (get your head out of the gutter!) and celebrating yourself. She is overweight but this bitch is FLY! I mean freaking diva. Everyday she steps out as if she is walking a red carpet and she serves it. Not just because all of her clothes and accessories are designer, but because they are fabulous. She asked me one day “You have such a great figure, why don’t you show it off? And I’m tired of you wearing black all the time!” She was right; black is a color I wear nearly every day because I don’t want to draw attention to myself by wearing turquoise, fuchsia, marigold, or any of the other bright colors that I long to wear. I feel like since I am not in the perfect body, wearing bright colors will only draw attention to the problem areas.

I’ve decided that since there is nothing I can do about my face (I’m too scared for plastic surgery!!), I’m going to focus my energy on being as physically fit as I possibly can. Every time I go to boot camp I try to push myself farther than I did the previous time. I am enjoying kayaking, hiking, and other activities I was too scared to do because of my size. I only have one life to life, and I’ve decided that I’d much rather be fat, jovial, and living life to the fullest than fat, depressed, and watching everyone live a wonderful life. Carpe diem!

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One Comment

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  1. justgngr / Jun 3 2012 9:10 pm

    first of all – you are gorgeous you this self-deprecating stuff needs to stop. And second – you definitely need to stop wearing black cause you were meant to shine baby girl

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